4 Reasons You Don’t Set Boundaries + How to Fix It
Boundaries create freedom.
⬆️ That might sound counterintuitive, but stick with me here…
We tend to think of boundaries as walls. Restrictions. Rules that keep people out.
But healthy boundaries actually give you (and the people around you) clarity about what’s okay, what’s not, and what you need to stay in relationship without abandoning yourself.
One of my favorite ways of thinking about boundaries comes from Prentis Hemphill:
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
🎤 Mic drop.
Because boundaries aren’t about caring less.
They’re about learning how to care without carrying it.
And while some boundaries are obvious—you probably have limits around how late your kids can stay up, how much you’re willing to spend on a gift, or how long you can listen to your friend complain about the same job for the 100th time—others are much harder to recognize.
Especially when you’ve spent years being rewarded for being agreeable, accommodating, available, or “easy.”
So why is setting a boundary so damn hard?
Here are 4️⃣ of the most common reasons you don’t set boundaries:
😬 1. You’re afraid of disappointing someone.
Someone asks you to take on another project at work.
You know you’re already stretched thin. You know saying yes means working during the vacation you’ve desperately needed.
But…You don’t want to let them down. So you say yes.
And then you’re resentful, exhausted, or angry with yourself afterward.
❤️🩹 Try this instead: Get curious about what is possible without immediately sacrificing your own needs.
You could say:
“Thanks for thinking of me for this. I’m on vacation next week, so I could begin when I return. If it needs to happen sooner, which of my current priorities should I pause?”
Notice what you didn’t do?
You didn’t apologize for having a vacation. You simply communicated your capacity. Someone else’s disappointment doesn’t automatically mean you’ve done something wrong.
☢️ 2. You want to avoid conflict.
Sometimes saying nothing feels easier than dealing with someone’s reaction.
This can be especially hard with family. Maybe everyone expects you to make your famous pies for the annual family reunion.
Except this year, you’re exhausted. You don’t have the time. And you really don’t want to do it.
But everyone keeps telling you how disappointed they’ll be if you don’t. So you make the damn pies. 🥧😆
❤️🩹 Try this instead: Let other people have their feelings without making those feelings your responsibility.
You might say:
“I know how much everyone loves the pies, but I don’t have the capacity to make them this year. I’m happy to send you the recipe if someone else wants to carry on the tradition.”
They might be disappointed.
Your job isn’t to make sure no one is ever disappointed by your boundaries. Your job is to communicate them clearly and respectfully.
🙋 3. You don’t want to seem selfish.
This one gets so many people. You need rest.
You need help. You don’t have the emotional capacity for taking care of anything or anyone.
But then that little voice kicks in: That’s selfish.
So you override yourself. Again.
❤️🩹 Try this instead: Stop treating your needs like something you have to apologize for.
Instead of: “I’m so sorry, I feel terrible asking this, and I know you’re busy, but would you maybe be able to figure out dinner tonight?”
Try: “Can you make dinner tonight? I’m at capacity and need some time to recharge.”
That’s not selfish. That’s information.
And communicating what you need gives other people the opportunity to actually know you instead of expecting them to read your mind.
🤷 4. You genuinely don’t know how.
Maybe you’ve spent your entire life doing what was expected of you.
You say yes. You accommodate. You keep the peace. You figure it out.
Eventually, you get so used to overriding yourself that you don’t even realize a boundary has been crossed until you’re exhausted, irritated, or resentful.
❤️🩹 Try this instead: Create a few go-to responses before you need them.
For example: “Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t make it.”
That’s it. You don’t need a 12-minute TED Talk explaining why your no is valid. 😂
And you don’t need a doctor’s appointment, family emergency, or conflicting event to justify it. Your “other commitment” might be sitting on your couch doing absolutely nothing.
You’re allowed to have boundaries around your energy, too.
But here’s where boundaries get tricky…
You can read every boundary book.
Save every boundary script on Instagram.
Know exactly what you should say.
And then someone gets upset with you…
…and suddenly that perfectly rehearsed boundary disappears.
Because knowing the boundary you need and having the courage to hold it are two different things.
That’s why we created the How to Set Boundaries Bootcamp.🔥
This isn’t just about learning what to say.
It’s about practicing how to set and hold boundaries without guilt, fear, or overthinking—especially when someone doesn’t like them.
We’ll invest 3 live days learning together, followed by 3 months of ongoing, on-demand coaching support so you have somewhere to practice what you’re learning in real life.
Aaaand, I’ll walk beside you through the holiday season, where boundaries tend to be the most challenging to hold. Three months of support, all for less than the price of one therapy session. 💸
Because the goal isn’t to become someone who’s really good at talking about boundaries.
It’s to become someone who trusts themselves enough to actually hold them.
🔥 How to Set Boundaries Bootcamp
📅 Starts September 28
💰 $167 or 3 payments of $60
✨ 3 live days to learn it. 3 months to live it.
Ready to stop abandoning yourself to keep everyone else comfortable?
Join the Boundaries Bootcamp Here
That freedom you’re looking for might be on the other side of one boundary you’re finally willing to hold.
