Here are the keys to having effective 1×1 meetings

As humans, we all make mistakes. We all have days when we wake up on the wrong side of the bed, let our stress out on others, or simply don’t have our shit together. No one is immune to those realities. Although we don’t want to deny or ignore that fact, we also want to serve as supportive coaches to the people we care about—especially our direct reports. That is why I want to share my one on one meeting template with you.

So many people who are really bad at people stuff get promoted to being managers of others. They got the job because it was the next step up on their growth ladder, but they are not fit to oversee other humans. So many managers are super effective at building the widget their company makes but really ineffective when it comes to teaching, supporting, and empowering others to build that widget. I’ve even gone into companies where managers never speak to or meet with their team members because they claim to not have time.

Here’s the deal, folks: You don’t need to have a weekly hour long meeting with each individual team member if that’s not conducive to being effective in your role. But to truly embrace your humanity, it is important that you have at least a monthly check-in, even if it’s for only twenty minutes. Please, schedule these meetings only if you plan to keep them.

This is why I want to share my one on one meeting template later in this post but stay with me…

One of the most deflating experiences a team member can have is when their manager consistently shows up late, cancels, or simply no-shows for their one-on-ones. Your behaviors send a message, whether intended or not. And when you fall into one of these categories, that message is clear: you are not my priority, your time isn’t as important as mine, I don’t value your growth, I don’t have time to support you.

Yikes! Talk about a way to instantly make people feel like they don’t matter.

Let’s flip that to look at the possibility that lies within coaching and one-on-ones that are conceived and executed in alignment with your values.

Check out my one on one meeting template below.

Practice value-alignment coaching.

Instead of having your values as a nebulous concept, make them a tool for how you coach your team members. Let’s pretend that you had the values of well-being, appreciation, and feedback. In your coaching sessions, you could ask people to rank themselves on a scale of 1 to 10 on how they believe they’re doing with living that value and keeping the value promises. From there, you can dig into whichever value or promise(s) that person would like more support with. It’s that simple and that complicated all at once. Be sure that you have skilled managers to take on these conversations. If you want to have your managers adopt this practice, ensure that they have the proper training to model these behaviors and support to have these coaching discussions.

Spell and pronounce names properly.

This goes with all humans you engage with, but it’s especially important with your direct reports. As a two-first-named person, I can’t tell you how many times MaryBeth has been written as Marybeth, Mary beth, or even Mary Anne, MarySue, or just Mary. This happens with so many of us. It’s not that difficult to see how the person spells their name when they sign off on an email, from which you can copy and paste it into your welcome line of a communication. It’s mind-blowing how frequently this disconnect occurs.

Pronouncing someone’s name properly is equally key to honoring who that person is. One of my corporate clients has a team member named Renata. Most Americans naturally read her Brazilian name and sound out the R. But in her culture, it’s a silent R that is pronounced as an H. What an American might naturally pronounce as Hen-ata.

One day when I facilitated an exercise for the company, we were sharing fun facts about ourselves. When it was her turn, she passively shared that her name was being pronounced wrong but that it was OK and that everyone (inside and outside of work) had done that. Afterward, one team member truly heard her and only pronounced her name as Hen-ata from there on out. A few months later, she joined our culture keepers program and together we began an unofficial campaign to get the entire team to refer to her by her properly pronounced name.

Within weeks of that occurring, she shared with us that it entirely changed her life. Hearing her name properly said back to her every day made her see herself again. So much so that it ignited a health journey and massively changed her overall wellbeing. She attributed all those changes to being ignited by having one person hear her and show her that she mattered, followed by an entire team doing the same. She shared that it made her feel not only more a part of the company but also more a part of our country. So if you think that pronouncing a team member’s name properly isn’t a big deal, think again!

Assume the best.

You know that old expression? Don’t assume because it makes an “ass” of “u” and “me.” Get it? It literally spells out what happens when you make assumptions. Nearly every time, we assume the worst about someone or something that’s going on. Someone is late to work because they’re disrespectful or rude. Another person is on their phone during a meeting and it’s assumed that they’re disengaged or entitled. What if instead we assumed the best? Perhaps someone is late because they have a lot going on at home and they need some more wiggle room these days, arriving as soon as they’re able. Perhaps another person is on their phone because they’re live tweeting the recap of the event. Ask for clarity while assuming the best (instead of the worst) in someone. 

This was a significant experience for one of my apprentices. He was leading a successful sales team that kicked off with an 8:30 a.m. team huddle every day. That team huddle was a big deal and set the tone for each day. One of his team members started to show up to them late. She mentioned that she was going to be late but didn’t explain why. My apprentice came to me sure that he was ready to have a powerful conversation with her. He said that he was going to take her on a walk and get clear with her on expectations. Although she did say that she’d be late, it was not OK to be that late for that many days in a row. He was going to be kind in his delivery and direct with his coaching.

Then I said, “How about if you ask her if she’s OK? Didn’t you say this is out of character for her?” He shook his head in disappointment, knowing that his approach was too harsh and that his assumptions that she was being disrespectful had taken over his plan of action.

After asking her the next day, she broke down in tears. She shared with him that her father had recently been diagnosed with a brain tumor and that she had moved home to help. The day that she was especially late was because they were missing their cat and discovered that her father had (unknowingly) put him in their refrigerator. This young woman was so scared at the loss of her dad as she knew him and what could have been the loss of her childhood pet. She broke down, releasing the truth that she had been hiding to try to save face in front of her sales role. From that moment on, their relationship changed for the better, and he was able to be a more effective coach and culture keeper by giving her permission to be human.

Listen.

All humans want to be heard and to know that what they have to say matters. The only way that can happen is if you listen with the intention to truly hear someone. So much is communicated in forms beyond words. Hearing is something that can happen accidentally, involuntarily, or effortlessly while listening is focused, voluntary, and intentional. A skilled listener is paying attention to what you are saying while also interpreting the tone of voice and the body language that accompanies those words. If you can master being a good listener and then show them that they are understood, you will gain an immense amount of trust and loyalty from your people.

Share your intent before content.

I heard this expression when undertaking a crucial conversation training many years ago. It was such a powerful tip that I use it practically every day, and it’s exactly what it sounds like: Before you share the content of what you have on your mind, share your intention and why it matters to you. This is an especially great tip when it comes to difficult conversations. This might sound like, “Helene, you are one of my top performers on this team. And because of that, I really have to dig deep to find areas of opportunity for you. But I know you’re always invested in growing, and these little things will make a big difference in your impact when it comes to living our values. So let’s start by celebrating your wins from last week’s pitch and also dig into opportunities with our core values alignment.” Or perhaps, “Jordan, you’ve been such a reliable go-to for this team over the years; it’s one of your greatest strengths. That’s why I was surprised by the change in your follow-through recently. I’m sure there’s more going on behind the scenes than I realize, and I want to support you in the process of getting back in alignment with that strength.” 

The cool thing about this approach is that it also gets you in check with yourself to understand why this conversation matters to you. And just like with loving accountability, if your intention is not one that’s ultimately positive, this is not the time for you to have this discussion—no exceptions. Check your ego and wait until you are in better alignment with yourself before you broach the subject.

Provide constructive and affirming feedback.

Most people think that feedback is only about what someone can do better. If a former boss ever said to me, “Hey, MaryBeth, let me give you some feedback,” I would immediately brace myself for impact. As you’ve already read, it’s important to share what’s going well along with what isn’t. It’s a proven practice to offer more affirming than constructive feedback whenever it’s possible and real (don’t make it up). Show your people that you know that feedback is rewarding and not just a dreaded conversation about their shortcomings.

And please, avoid the mistake of the feedback sandwich. Many times, we have been told that if you say a nice thing, followed by an area of improvement, then end with another nice thing that people will be able to handle the constructive feedback more. But that’s simply not the case. Remember that negativity bias? Of course we’re going to focus on the area of improvement way more. You can give affirming feedback on its own and you can give constructive feedback on its own as long as you use the intent before content structure.

Ask permission to give feedback.

Let’s be clear: You can always give someone feedback whether or not you have their permission, but when you ask, it will likely go better. It can be as straightforward as, “Hey, Monique, are you open to feedback on last week’s event? I’d love to celebrate and support you when you have the capacity for it.” That type of phrase is particularly useful if you would like to spend some time with them one-on-one to debrief.

Be specific with your feedback.

I heard on a Radical Candor podcast, “If you can say it to a dog, it’s not real feedback.” And that really stuck with me. Think about it. “Good job!” or even “Bad job!” doesn’t help anyone. Why? Because you’re not taking the time to explicitly tell people what made it good or bad. This is very often the case when things go well. We’re so used to pulling out one of our go-to statements, like “Nice work, Jennifer!” or “Really great job there, Abdul!”

Although those words are always nice to receive, they don’t provide any direction or guidance for what you’d like that person to keep doing. Think: “Nice work, Jennifer! I really appreciated how you took the time to set a clear intention for everyone when we started and how well you wove our values into your presentation. You were very thoughtful in your process.” Or “Really great job there, Abdul! I loved the way that you included that energizing music and shared your personal story with everyone. You really lived our value of connection, and it was cool to get to know you better.”

Practice two-way feedback.

Most people are used to the executives giving feedback to their team members, and that’s that. It’s no surprise, as most of our current societal norms are designed around the model of someone being in the power seat and the other being the subordinate. It can be empowering (and maybe even scary at first) for team members to give their managers feedback—especially if this is a change to the existing dynamics.

I’d recommend that you start with something that is tangible and relatable versus asking, “Do you have any feedback for me?” Most team members would be caught off guard and move on quickly with a “Nope—all good here!” in an attempt to keep the peace. Psychological safety is the only way these conversations can happen authentically.

Try something like this: “I really appreciate your perspective, Ganesha, so I’m going to add a new section to our ongoing one-on-one that includes the opportunity for you to give me feedback. I know that might feel daunting, so I want to be intentional about where we start. How about the next time we meet, you give me one idea on how I can be more effective or impactful with our one-on-ones? It can be anything, big or small, but something that would make you feel like these meetings were an even better use of your energy.”

This example recognizes your thought process and the vulnerability it takes for feedback to occur, and it introduces a specific focus to get things started. As you move up in your levels of psychological safety, you could even get to the point where your one-on-ones included two-way feedback around living your values. While you provide them feedback on how they’re doing with embodying a certain value, you could then ask them to provide you with the insight from their lens. That conversation may sound like this: “Darren, you’re doing an incredible job when it comes to embodying our value of integrity. Just the other day, I saw how you stayed late to support Phyllis on her project to ensure that she met her deadline. I’m really impressed with how much you’re doing to keep the whole team, including yourself, in integrity. The next time we meet, I’d really appreciate it if you could provide me with feedback on how I’m doing when it comes to my integrity relative to you. Where am I in alignment, and where are some opportunities for me to do better?”

Taking this approach will significantly differentiate you from most other organizations and will give your team a huge upper hand in creating a loyal and honest culture. It activates values like trust, authenticity, communication, vulnerability, empathy, and growth, to name a few.

Choose curiosity.

Curiosity is the cure to all frustration. Whenever you find yourself being ignited by frustration in another team member, do your best to shift up to the energy of curiosity. The majority of the time, you’re frustrated based on assumptions that you’ve made, and you’ve become the victim of the story you’ve created about the situation. Be a conscious, mindful leader by pausing and recognizing that you can choose curiosity. You may consider go-to statements and questions like the following:

– Tell me more about that.

– Help me understand what happened.

– I don’t want to make any assumptions, so please walk me through your experience here.

– What do you mean by that?

– How can we make things right between us?

– What do we need to discuss first?

Make room for grief.

Writing this book during the time of the coronavirus compelled me to expand this section. Pandemic or not, people are often going through cycles of loss. The expression “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.” says it all.

Whether it’s as heavy as the death of a loved one, or news of an unfounded police killing of a person of color, or even an experience like a trusted team member leaving the company or the loss of funding for a project, grief is something to honor. One of the worst things we can do is push toxic positivity onto them—believing that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain total optimism.

Most of us don’t know how to make room for grief in our own lives, let alone encourage or support others to do what they need to be well. Any effort you can make to recognize the complexities that grief brings into our human lives is a big win. Tune in to your own needs and the needs of your team members so that they don’t have to pretend that they’re OK if they’re not.

I became an unintentional pro at this during the first year of my business. Within a six-month span, my team of three experienced the unexpected death of a mother, father, and, in my case, two grandparents. They were huge losses for each of us respectively, and we were all trying to find our way back to ourselves while swimming in a sea of incredible grief. I made sure that they knew that nothing was more essential than them making room for their grief, which included three massively important things:

1. Cancel all nonessential meetings.
2. Make space for self-care every day.
3. (Re)ignite good habits.

Unlike when my father died, at which point I was in a different position professionally, in this case, as the CEO of my own company, I felt like I could control the experience around grief more authentically. We all grieve differently, and most people don’t know how to be with or support someone who is moving through and with their pain. And that’s OK. You don’t have to be an expert in everything. But you do need to recognize the intense human experience of grief.

During one of my ongoing Mindful Minutes series, where we do fifteen minutes of guided mindfulness practices with teams throughout the week, someone I hadn’t met before sent me a private message saying how much that session helped her in her grief around the recent loss of her mom. It was my choice whether to engage with her message. And with an open heart, I did and offered to stay on the line with her after the session ended. We wound up talking about the loss of our parents and how we can still get signs from them after they transition. I told her about the book Signs, by Laura Lynne Jackson, which massively healed my pain over the loss of my grandparents; based on the book, I knew I could still connect with them through signs.

She immediately shared that dragonflies were the sign from her mom, that every time she saw them, it felt like her mom was present. In just a few minutes of talking about it, an incredible bond and connection was formed between us—someone who I hadn’t met prior to this session. In the following weeks, I saw dragonflies regularly and sent her an email to tell her this. She in turn asked me for my favorite colors, and a few months later, a package arrived in the mail. She had knitted me a beautiful set of dragonfly pot holders and a table runner to thank me for making room for her grief and listening to her experience. That connection between us is now there for a lifetime. And it truly was a matter of minutes of conscious connection.

It’s important to note that others can be there and listen, but you will walk down your own path, at your own pace, with your own pain. In the end, grief is a walk alone. You will come to your own peace, in your own time, in whatever way makes sense for you. My experience is not yours, and it is not a suggestion that one size fits all. It’s far from that when it comes to loss. But perhaps this can ignite some meaningful ways of approaching your own grief or supporting team members who are experiencing theirs.

Use the winning formula: Expectations + Agreement = Satisfaction.

As you read in chapter 6, this is such a clean formula, one that people get right away. I use it in my own coaching on a regular basis. From the start, set clear expectations of what you want your people to accomplish. Make sure that you’re in agreement with each other. Then check in on those very expectations during your time together. It’s a wonderful framework for your ongoing conversations.

Give permission to be human.

These don’t seem like massive changes, yet they all are. If you’ve never given someone thoughtful feedback, held someone accountable, or been comfortable around other people’s range of emotions, you know this is big work. There is no expectation that you’ll do all these things perfectly every day. Just pick one to start with and master it. See how it gets adopted and where it needs more support. Then move on to incorporating something else. It’s not about how quickly you get there; it’s about your intention to evolve. One step at a time, without judgment of pace. 

Are you looking to have more effective one-on-one meetings and enjoyed this one on one meeting template?

This was an excerpt from MaryBeth’s book – Permission to Be Human: The Conscious Leaders Guide to Creating a Values-Driven Culture.

Learn more from this company culture book.