What My Worst Panic Attack Taught Me About Healing and Holding Space
Ever since I was in middle school, panic attacks were a regular occurrence for me. I was living in an abusive home where expectations were high. And I had something diagnosed as, “testing anxiety.”
Every time I had a big test or milestone I needed to accomplish, it was a very good chance a panic attack would be a part of ramping up to it.
My mind would be racing with catastrophizing thoughts. My heart beating out of my chest. I would lose all control of my breath and feel like I was going to pass out from hyperventilating. And sometimes, I’d have convulsions.
It was a really overwhelming and sad part of nearly 3 decades of my life. And something I was really proud of overcoming. I did the work to take my power back and get ahead of them so I no longer felt out of control on a regular basis.
And just this week, I was teaching a mindfulness session sharing my story of my past panic attacks, insomnia and self-hate. Like it was something of the past I was proud to wear as a badge of honor for why I was equipped to teach others these stress reduction techniques.
Then, literally less than 24 hours after that session, I had the biggest panic attack of my life.
After an unfortunate exchange that hit every single one of my biggest fears and reenacted all my childhood wounds, I lost myself.
It wasn’t just the usual short of breath, mind swirl, heart palpitations. I was dry heaving. Unable to speak. Not sure if I was having a heart attack level. I had to lay my body completely on the ground in order to get any form of relief from feeling like I was in a free fall of doom.
But there was one massive difference this time, that I never had before: James.
My compassionate, kind, protector.
You see, my partner James has been around me when I had panic attacks in the past. But he always wanted to fix it. And make it go away as soon as possible. He would get triggered and uncomfortable with how triggered and uncomfortable I was. And in the process he’d be asking me questions, running around and thinking there was something he could do to take all the pain away.
But he couldn’t. That was my work to do.
So after years of being open to guidance and truly giving a ? about evolving, he was my greatest hero this week.
Having no idea what had happened, he saw me walking towards him, heard my tears and my hyperventilation. By the time I had reached him I was in a full spiral and unable to speak.
He didn’t ask me a single question. He didn’t try to understand what was happening. He didn’t make assumptions.
He said, “Rub your heart. If you can’t let me.”
He put one hand on my heart and one on my back and moved it in a circular motion. He slowed down his breath and became an anchor for me into the present moment.
He kept telling me it was going to be okay. And to keep breathing. And that I wasn’t alone.
And after ten or so excruciating minutes, I felt myself come back. I could breathe again. I didn’t feel like my life was being taken from me.
I felt like I was going to be okay and my body needed to release this.
It was a total reframe and change of pattern from the past. Because I changed the way I spoke to myself. And my partner had the capacity to hold space for my truth without needing to fix it.
Now that feels like a massive leveling up. Even though I was very much reverting back – I wasn’t going to let it become a story of victimhood. It was going to be a story of triumph.
Have you ever had an old pattern creep up that takes you into a tailspin? Try these three steps:
- ❤️?Rub your heart in a circular motion and tell yourself you’re going to be okay.
- ?️Anchor in your breath, do what you can to slow down and tune in.
- ?Remind yourself you’re not alone and get support. Remember that you’re bigger than this moment and you can pull the wisdom from this wound.
After this experience, I decided to make a Panic Attack SOS track. So you can have this guidance spoken to you in real time when you need it. Check it out here.
Today, I’m feeling wiser, stronger and more powerful in my boundaries as a result of being taken all the way down. And that’s always a choice when you want to rise higher.
Don’t let one moment take your light away. Allow it to stoak the fire for you to rise stronger than ever before.
PS
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