How to Set Boundaries: Overcoming Common Challenges to Protect Your Well-being
Boundaries are the very thing that allow us and others to know what’s okay and what is not. They’re that invisible internal line that can trigger whether or not we feel safe, loved, or respected. Even the smallest boundary when crossed can have major consequences for both the person who’s crossing them and the one who’s feeling they’re being broken.
In everyday life, we often have limits for things like: how late we allow our kids to stay up at night, how much money we are able to spend on a birthday gift or the amount of time you’re willing to sit on the phone with a friend who’s complaining about their job for the 100th time.
While those may feel apparent, there are so many more boundaries that we don’t set or even acknowledge that they’re being violated because we simply don’t know how.
Here are four of the most common reasons why we don’t set boundaries and how you can make some small changes to fix that rationale:
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You’re afraid of disappointing someone:
This is probably one the most common forms of guilt. Someone asked you for something, like taking on an extra project at work, and even though you know it means you won’t be able to go to that concert you’ve been saving up for or take that vacation you’d been craving, you simply say “yes” because you don’t want to disappoint that person who came to you to solve their problem. How to fix it?
Set expectations to determine how/if you can take on any part of it while also maintaining your limits. For this example, you could say something like, “Thanks for thinking of me on this project. I have a vacation coming up next week, so how much of this would you like me to complete before that time? And what would you like me to remove from my current priorities to take this on?” You may actually find out that it can wait until you return! But if you don’t speak up and state your limitations, how can you ever expect the other side to know?
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You want to avoid conflict:
It feels easier to not say anything than to have to get into the whole ordeal of explaining yourself. This one is especially true in family dynamics. Like, how many times can you be expected to bake your famous cookies for 100 people at the annual holiday gathering, even if you don’t have the time or energy to make them? Especially when people are constantly talking about them and tell you how disappointed they are if you don’t have them ready for the taking. How to fix it?
Take responsibility for your needs. Realize that it is your top responsibility to take care of yourself. Always have alternative plans so that your needs aren’t always dependent on others. For this example, you could call the relatives who are most vocal about their disappointment and provide them with your recipes. Tell them you’re not able to make them this year, but you wanted them to be able to if it’s an important part of their holiday experience.
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You don’t want to seem selfish:
Boundaries are literally a form of self-care. And sadly, people often think that taking care of themselves is selfish, even though it’s critical to our wellbeing and ability to help others. How to fix it?
Ask without apology. Instead of feeling sorry for putting yourself first, be willing to let go of old beliefs that don’t serve you anymore and ask for the change without feeling the need to make excuses.
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You don’t know how:
You’ve literally done everything anyone has ever asked of you your entire life so you have no idea how to say no. How to fix it?
Have go-to responses to pull from like, “Thank you for the invitation. Unfortunately, I have another commitment at that time.” And that ‘other commitment’ can be to yourself, sitting on your couch watching tv if that’s what you need at that time. You’d be surprised how well that works and how few (if anyone) asks what that commitment is.
As you think about your boundaries as the rules or principles you live by when you say what you will or won’t do or allow, consider what you really want and need and how you can step up into those needs instead of pushing them back.
And if you need help setting boundaries, check out what my alignment coaching can do for you.
