From Numbing Out to Waking Up: My Transformative Journey Overcoming Alcohol Dependence
In college and into my early 30s, I drank a lot. I would justify it in college because I played lacrosse, and heavy drinking was the culture.
During the season, we’d work hard all week, get to gameday, play hard, and (win or lose) have a big party afterward. During the offseason, we’d party as much as possible.
And by party, I mean I would get so blacked out drunk that I’d fall in a ditch on the side of the road and not know where I was.
So, why did I drink so much?
Thinking about myself back then…
- It was the culture, and drinking was a right of passage.
- I wanted to fit in and be cool.
- Drinking allowed me an escape from reality and suppress my feelings and emotions.
It’s the last one I reflect on most these days. You see, I always struggled to express myself growing up. I didn’t know how to talk about my struggles or how I felt.
I basically just kept a smile on my face and said that everything was good, even when deep down, I felt like a volcano was about to explode. What would I do with all the thoughts and feelings inside of me? So, that facade was all I knew to do to be a “good kid.”
It was like I was having a completely different experience from the outside looking in than the inside looking out. My emotions used to yell at me, wanting to get out, but I kept them buried deep down inside. The voice in my head would get louder and louder, and I was looking for any means to quiet it down.
Enter: Alcohol.
When I drank, I could hide seemingly more effectively from my feelings. I would drink unwanted feelings away until I didn’t feel them anymore, and the voice would stop yelling at me.
I would turn numb and bury them deeper inside…or so I thought…
Because in the end, my bottled up emotions would always surface and eventually explode.
And when they’d explode, you would not want to be around me. I hurt so many people (including myself) with my drinking, and my relationships suffered…
I punched holes in walls, got a DUI, fought with people, and MaryBeth even broke up with me.
Fast-forward to today, and a lot has changed. I am not that person anymore because I chose to do the work. And let me tell you… it was a lot of work that took time, patience, and giving myself permission to be human.
It takes significant energy and intention to reprogram yourself and realize there is another way to live life instead of being stuck in the same cycle.
A life that excites you to be you, to feel free to express yourself fully and know who you are, and not one that has you just yearning for the next drink to escape to another reality.
I am still learning and unlearning on my journey.
But one thing is clear: I can never go back. Once I realized that, I knew I would never be drunkenly sleepwalking through life again.
Being that it is Alcohol Awareness Month, I felt compelled to share my journey with you. Now, you may not have alcohol issues, but maybe there is something else you’re doing to numb that you’d want to release.
Here is how I went from numbing out to waking up?:
- ? I hit rock bottom. After a bender that filled me with shame, embarrassment and humiliation, something finally clicked. I needed to change. I knew this was it because MaryBeth would leave me for good if I didn’t change. The pain pushed me until I could see a new vision. It created this new awareness inside me and the energy to do the work to make a change. Once you have a wake-up call and the awareness that you want to make a change, it is much easier.
- ✍️ Get clear on your priorities. After that experience and gaining that new awareness, my priorities changed big time. My #1 priority was being in a loving, supportive marriage. I knew that I had to change my drinking habits if I wanted to do that, which motivated me to make a change. Once you know your priorities, you can use them as your North Star to guide you when you fall off track.
- ❓Activate Curiosity. Reflecting on the environments that created those drunken experiences, I thought about who I was with, where I was, why I was drinking, and how I felt. That’s how I noticed the patterns and realized that the worst of my drinking came when I was trying to escape reality, numb my feelings, and quiet my thoughts. Once you become aware of the root cause of your issue, then you can find a better solution that serves you.
- ?Seek Support. I had no idea how to process my feelings, emotions, and thoughts other than drinking, so I got help. I went to therapy to learn how to express myself. Learned how to meditate and worked with mindfulness practitioners to gain new skills to release the anxiety inside of me. I tried different practices until I found what worked for me (that I continue to do daily) and I have seen huge shifts. When you feel stuck in an old way of being and want to change but don’t know how guidance from an expert can deepen awareness and healing.
- ? Set Good Boundaries. There was a time when I thought I would never drink again because it was the only way I could control my abuse. But after healing my numbing relationship with booze, I now enjoy a drink when I consciously choose to and can also go months without it. That also means I don’t go out until 2 am at the bars anymore or choose to release emotions with alcohol. However, I do enjoy a glass of wine or cider to celebrate.
- ? Live Your Values. I was drinking so much because I wasn’t aligned with my values. I was living out other people’s values, which made me feel terrible – leading me to escape with booze. But by going on this journey to alignment, I started to uncover my values—my intrinsic motivators—the things that make me feel alive. And what I found was that when I activated my authentic values, the anxieties that I tried to quash with drinking went away.Simply put: When you activate your values, life feels amazing! And when you violate your values, life feels terrible.
I used to feel so ashamed about this part of my history, but I now know that sharing my story might inspire others to make a change, too.
It was a long journey to get to where I am today, and I am grateful for the ups and downs that have taught me so much.
If you are ready to go on your own healing journey, meet yourself where you are and take the first baby step towards the life you want.
And please know I’m here if you ever want to explore what it might look like to work together. Just email me here, and we can start a conversation.
It takes courage to do the deep work to understand what holds you back from expressing your true self. You got this.
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