How to Stop People-Pleasing and Start Being Your Authentic Self
Have you ever left a dinner, meeting, family gathering, or conversation and thought:
Why wasn’t I just myself?
Maybe you held back what you really wanted to say. Laughed at something you didn’t find funny. Agreed when you didn’t agree. Acted more confident than you felt or made yourself smaller because you didn’t want to be “too much.”
Then you get home and finally exhale.
That’s the kind of mask I mean.
Halloween makes masks obvious. You put one on intentionally, pretend to be someone else for a few hours, and take it off at the end of the night.
The masks you wear in everyday life are harder to notice.
For much of my life, I was really good at them.
Especially in the corporate world, I learned to read the room and become the version of myself I thought belonged there. I wanted to be respected, accepted, successful, and liked, so I held back pieces of who I really was.
Like when I first started wearing glasses. I wore a pair for work that helped me fit in with everyone else. Then I had a pair I wore at home that felt like me.
MaryBeth, my wife, was the only one who knew the real me.
But with a lot of other people, there was always some calculation happening in the background:
🤔What are they going to think?
🤔Will they judge me?
🤔Is it okay to say this?
🤔Who do I need to be here?
And those masks served a purpose. They helped me fit in, succeed, and feel safer when being fully myself felt risky.
But they were also exhausting.
When you spend enough time trying to be who everyone else expects you to be, it becomes hard to know where the performance ends and you begin.
You may recognize that feeling yourself.
Maybe you’re the capable one at work who never admits when you’re overwhelmed. The easygoing one in your family who keeps the peace. The strong one who never asks for help. The good one who hates disappointing anybody.
And maybe you’re tired of walking into a room wondering who you need to become.
What you probably want isn’t some abstract idea of “authenticity.”
You want to be able to say what you really think without spending the next three hours worrying about how it landed.
You want to say no without immediately feeling guilty.
You want to meet new people without performing for their approval.
You want the people in your life to actually know you and to know that the people who stay are there because they like the person you really are.
I’ve found more of that freedom as I’ve gotten older.
The more I allow myself to be James, the less energy I spend trying to earn a place in rooms that may not even be right for me. And the more I naturally connect with people who actually resonate with who I am.
But I’ve also learned that you can’t always think your way out of a mask. Because most masks started somewhere.
Maybe being agreeable helped you avoid conflict. Being perfect earned praise. Being tough kept you from getting hurt. Staying quiet helped you avoid judgment.
So even when your conscious mind says, I don’t care what people think anymore, something deeper can still react the moment rejection feels possible.
That’s why you can know you want to speak up…and still freeze.
Know you want to say no…and hear yourself saying yes.
Know you’re good enough…and still feel like you have something to prove.
A Simple Mask Reflection Practice
I learned a version of this exercise through my apprenticeship with don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements.
Take a few minutes with a journal and ask yourself:
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🎭 What masks have I worn throughout my life?
Maybe it’s the successful one, the good kid, the tough one, the funny one, the caretaker, the confident one, or the person who always has it together.
Then choose one and ask:
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🛡️ What has this mask helped protect me from?
Rejection? Judgment? Conflict? Failure? Not belonging?
Finally, ask yourself:
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🤔 Do I still need it?
You don’t have to hate that version of yourself. You can actually thank it for helping you get through whatever you needed to get through.
But you can also decide that you don’t want it running your life anymore.
Sometimes that awareness creates a meaningful shift.
And sometimes you know exactly which mask you want to take off…but the fear underneath it is still potent.
That’s where energy work can help.
If fear of rejection, judgment, old emotional experiences, or beliefs like “I need everyone to like me” are still getting activated, simply deciding to “be yourself” can feel much harder than it sounds.
Because what you really want isn’t just to understand why you wear the mask.
You want to walk into a room without immediately wondering what everyone thinks of you.
You want to say what you mean without replaying the conversation all night.
You want to meet someone new without trying to figure out which version of yourself they’ll like best.
You want to disagree with someone and still feel okay afterward. To say no without guilt. To share something you’re excited about without first wondering whether someone will think it’s weird.
And maybe most importantly, you want to invest more time with people who know the real you because you actually let them see you.
That’s the kind of freedom I’m interested in.
Energy work can help release the fear, emotional charge, and beliefs beneath the mask. It can make judgment, rejection, or disappointing someone feel so threatening, even when your rational mind knows you’re okay.
The goal isn’t to turn you into a different person. It’s actually the opposite.
It’s to make it easier for you to show up without constantly editing, shrinking, performing, or protecting yourself from what everyone else might think.
If you’re tired of changing who you are depending on who’s in the room, and you’re curious about what might be keeping that mask in place, book an energy session with me.
Let’s see what could shift if being yourself didn’t require so much effort.
Book an Energy Session with Me Here!
P.S.
Here is what Pam had to say about our monthly energy healing sessions:
“My energy healing sessions with James have become absolutely essential to my well-being. Before a session, I often carry so much quiet clutter and invisible weight from daily life. James has such a calm way of quieting all that background noise. Every time I leave, I feel a wonderful, deep sense of relief—like taking a long, soft breath my soul didn’t even realize it was holding. I walk away feeling so incredibly light, peaceful, and reconnected to who I am.” – Pam Lewerenz
